The New Recruits
by The Cursed and Torn
Summary: While recruiting for the suicide mission against the Collectors, Commander Shepard comes into contact with a variety of potential recruits, each one more stranger then the last. A Mortal Kombat and Mass Effect Crossover, and once again, the very first!
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: While recruiting for the suicide mission against the Collectors, Commander Shepard comes into contact with a variety of potential recruits, and each one more stranger then the last. A Mortal Kombat and Mass Effect Crossover, and once again, the very first!**

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><p><strong>-/Author Note/-/**

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><p><strong>Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my new work! A Mortal Kombat and Mass Effect crossover fic! Now as the genre may suggest, this is more or less a humor fic, maybe more along the lines of crack if you see it as such, so it really shouldn't be taken seriously. This is more or less for laughs and giggles. There is a bit of plot, as with any story I write, but it's mostly just humor involving Commander Shepard's various meetings with the characters of Mortal Kombat. Also note that not all of the characters in the series will be making appearances. I already have a list of characters set to be revealed, involving a couple of non-related one-shots featuring several MK characters that won't make a direct appearance in the story, but will be at least referenced. So, aside from that, read and enjoy.<strong>

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><p>Chapter 1: The Scorpion's Sting<p>

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><p>Commander Shepard stared rather blankly at the man sitting across from her in the bustling bar on Omega. Not unfamiliar with the concept of strange, having to deal with a variety of such during her time as a Council Spectre, going as far as dealing with extinct race of sentient insect like aliens known as Rachni, a mythological and ancient sentient ship known as a Reaper, not to mention the zombie like creatures on Feros known as Thorian Creepers, in addition to the geth and the Husks…<p>

But even those incidents, as strange as they were, didn't stun her in this particular manner as the man sitting across from her.

Dressed in a black and yellow ninja suit, or so she presumed based off the mask he was wearing, his outfit was adored with bone like fixtures and a skeletal motif, his mask in particular resembling that of the skeletal remains of a scorpion. Attached to his waist was a blade of some sort, too small to be a combat knife, and it was connected to a chain tied around his waist. On his back were two swords, oddly designed but no less intimidating. His eyes, completely white with no pupils, stared directly at her, his arms, in which were easily the largest she had ever seen on any male, even on those muscle heads she had bunk with during her N7 training. She could actually see the viens popping out, admist quite a few nasty scars from what she could make out in the dark lighting of the booth they were in.

And he still hadn't stopped staring at her…

Raising her drink in hand, Shepard struggled for words, a first for her, but the man before her was rather strange, and this was coming from a woman whose best friends were a scared turian, battle hardened krogan, and crippled smartass.

"Um…hi?"

The man didn't respond, but his eyes did narrow slightly, which only increased Shepard's nervousness. Wasn't it wrong to say that she felt like a cornered animal about to be torn to pieces by a hunger predator?

"So…come around here often?"

Was that growl? That was definitely a growl.

Maybe under normal circumstances, Shepard wouldn't have been intimidated by this man, or at least to the point where she was stammering with a bead of sweat working its way down her forehead to the side of her neck, but she wasn't dressed in her N7 armor, nor was she armed. Technically speaking, she was still logged onto being present on the Normandy, Joker covering for her by producing a looping video feed of her in her new cabin, otherwise known as the Loft, stripping down her weapons, because god knows she wasn't letting Taylor, former Alliance or not, get anywhere near her babies. Obviously the ruse wasn't going to last long as EDI would discover sooner or later that the video loop was rigid and contact 'buzz-kill' Lawson.

In retrospect, it seemed rather idiotic of her to not only go to Afterlife, alone, unarmed, dressed in her civvies, but also for the intensive purpose of getting absolutely smashed, with only Joker knowing of her real whereabouts, but damn it she needed a break. It's not every day you discover that you've been dead for two years and that the life you knew was now nothing more but a good memory. She would have at least brought Garrus, but he was still stuck in medical, even after his assurance that he was fine, even after taking several rounds to the leg and chest before getting smacked right in the face with a missile. The scarring was going to stay according to Chakwas, unless she wanted to spring for the extra 50,000 credits and purchase the necessary medical equipment to repair the scarring. And she was getting slightly off topic. Point of the matter was that she was alone, defenseless, tipsy at the very least, and she had just claimed a small corner booth in a bar filled to the brim with the seediest characters in the Terminus System, with a ninja clad possible psycho as her only company.

Lucky her, right?

"Hmm…you're waiting for somebody?"

The man's fists, resting on his biceps, his arms folded, clenched, and she swore that she thought she saw an actually flare of fire seep out of his finger tips.

It was probably just her imagination she reasoned, though that didn't stop her from pushing her bottle of alcohol away from her. She had already been poisoned once already at this bar, so it wasn't a bit of stretch that somebody put some sort of hallucination inducing drug in her drink. Or a micky, though they were going to regret it when she got her hands on them…

And her spacing off and internal monologues seemed to be doing nothing else but pissing of her fellow patron even more. Maybe she should have just left when she noticed him for the first time…?

Turning her gaze back to his face, Shepard asked, "You got a name buddy?"

Immediately after she asked, she cast her sight down, and felt her lips and throat go dry as she saw with her own eyes, a brief flare of fire escape the man's eyes before disappearing back to his pupil less gaze.

"…Scorpion."

Shepard merely nodded her head in response, wondering how to make herself scarce without tipping off her pissed off acquaintance, as she was certain when he had spoken out his name, there was a underlying tone of warning to his voice. She didn't even register really on the fact that the man was named after an insect, and if she did, she wasn't really tempted all that much to ask why he was named as such.

"…You never did answer my question."

God, she was just digging herself in a deeper hole, wasn't she?

At the very least the man decided to answer this time, though his tone of voice suggested that for her own personal wellbeing, she should probably pry any deeper than that.

"Yes, I'm waiting for someone."

Nodding her head slightly, she muttered, "Good, that's good." She was starting to wish she had moved her drink away and finished the damn thing. That or she at least kept her Predator on her. If she ever got back to the Normandy in one piece, she wasn't letting that thing out of her sight ever again. She'd be sleeping with it under her pillow tonight, and every night after if need be.

"Is there a reason why your still here woman?"

Bristling slightly at being addressed as 'woman', even if it was anatomical true, Shepard mumbled out, "Well excuse me for trying to make conversation…"

That only served to irritate the man even further.

"If there is nothing of importance that you require, woman, then do me the honor of leaving me alone. I have better things to do with my time then waste with you."

Now that just pissed her off, though she attributed it to the alcohol.

Glaring at the man, Scorpion her mind supplied, Shepard snapped back, "You're lucky I don't have my gun right now or I'd shoot you." And it wasn't as if she shot, stabbed, or killed people for less. She stabbed that Sergeant Caska in back with a wielding knife just for doing his job, but hey, details…

Strangely enough, that didn't make Scorpion any angrier or more irritated with her. He seemed to actually…checking her out? No, his stare was why too intense for that, and he seemed to be lingering more on her arms then her chest or face.

"Gun? So you are a warrior of sorts then?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow at that. Warrior huh? That term was something she expected from Wrex or any krogan really, but hey, she could work with that.

"Yep. Name's Shepard, Commander Shepard of the Alliance Navy. Or formerly at least. Don't really know if that title still holds true or not."

Scorpion seemed slightly intrigued by that statement, though she couldn't really tell one way or the other. Damn pupil less eyes…

"Alliance Navy? And your rank is Commander? That title is

"What do you mean by, 'formerly'?"

Ah…and here comes the kicker.

Giving him a thousand watt smile, which in reality was really more of a grimace, Shepard stated with false cheer, "Well, there could be a quite a few reasons for that. One is that technically speaking, I'm dead. I was spaced into vacuum before I drifted planet side and crash landed on some frozen wasteland of a planet. So actually, I'm undead, minus the whole brain eating thing, I'm pretty much a zombie. Secondly, I was brought back to life, and now in the service of a pro-human terrorist group, responsible for not only the death of a Fleet Admiral, but also for forty-eight lives of soldiers, not including the science team or colonists, lost on the colony of Akuze, my own nearly among them."

Scorpion nodded his head in understanding, which surprised her. Even she had a hard time believing herself sometimes, and she was living it.

"I understand your burden. I too died sometime ago, murdered unjustly while I pleaded for my life. I then had the opportunity to face my murderer soon after, but failed to avenge my death. I had then been resurrected and served a man whom I believed to have my best interests at heart, whom would grant me the opportunity to avenge not only my death, but the death of my clan and family."

Shepard, despite herself, was absorbed slightly in the man's tale. Two years ago she would have been thinking that this man was crazy and delusional, but seeing as she herself had spent two years under the knife as it were, it opened up her mind to quite a few possibilities. Besides, she couldn't be the first person in history to have died and be brought back to life, right?

Scorpion continued with his tale.

"I served him faithfully, and gained my chance to avenge who had been not only my killer, but that of all those I held dear to my heart. After a brutal battle, I emerged victorious, and I had believed to have finally avenged my death, as well as those as my family and clan, the Shirai Ryu. But I was wrong. Less than a week after the death of my killer, Sub-Zero, I learned that he had a younger brother, whom I was told was the true killer of my clan. I was enraged, and sought him out and battled, but lost. Eventually, I managed to encounter him once more deep in the dungeons of a fortress in another realm known as Edenia, where I finally defeated him."

Scorpion eyes flared slightly, though Shepard couldn't tell for what reason, before he continued with his tale.

"My master at the time, Quan Chi, entered the room, and announced that he was the true killer of my family and clan. For what reasons, I still don't know, but he gloated on how I had been the easily manipulated puppet and he, the clever puppeteer, had no further use for me. Once I realized Quan Chi's treachery, I dragged him with me to the Netherrealm. I have been hunting him ever since."

Thoroughly enraptured by his tale, Shepard couldn't help but feel a great deal of sadness for the man in front of her, a stark change from the slight discomfort he had brought out of her initially, as well as the empathetic bond she felt they shared due to their 'undead' status.

Which brought up an idea that if she was sober, Shepard would have never even considered addressing.

"Hey. Um…just an idea, but how about joining me and my crew? We're on a mission with suicidal odds staked against us, and we could use all the help we can get. You look like you can handle yourself quite well, and by your own admission, you can follow orders, so you don't have a problem with authority."

"I am sorry, but I cannot. I must find Quan Chi, and cannot afford anymore distractions."

Sticking her tongue out slightly, Shepard said, "Well…how about this then? You help me with this mission, and I'll help you find Quan Chi."

Scorpion in response merely leaned forward slightly, his mask brushing against Shepard's nose slightly, causing her to go cross-eyed as she looked at the offending object before settling her eyes on his own.

"If I offer my services to you in this mission of yours, you will not only aid me in locating the sorcerer, but not interfere with my goal in killing him, or try to convince me to spare his life?"

Shepard gave a crocked grin before raising her glass up in a toast.

"To be quite honest? If you don't kill him, I certainly well."

The corner of his mask moved slightly, and if Shepard was slightly little more sober, or at least a lot more less drunk, she would have perceived it as a smile.

"It is agreed then. I, Scorpion, of the Shirai Ryu, offer my services to you aid in your mission, Shepard-Sama. Your will is my will, your enemies are now mine enemies, and my life is under your command until our agreement has come to pass."

Taking a swing of her drink, Shepard gave herself a mental pat on the back.

She now had a ninja on her side.

Score!

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><p>Walking inside the Normandy airlock doors, Shepard paused in her steps as she came face to face with a levied Miranda Lawson, slightly concerned Jacob Taylor, as well as an apologetic Jeff "Joker" Moreau.<p>

"…Hi?"

With her gaze as cold as glaciers, Miranda hissed, "Shepard. Where. Were. You?"

"…Um…recruiting?"

That brought Miranda up short for a brief moment before the anger returned tenfold.

"You went after Mordin Solus? Alone!"

Shepard frowned slightly at the name. Mordin who now? Dammit, maybe she should've cut back on the alcohol…

Still, she wasn't about to let her XO get away with such blatant disrespect, especially in front of her new teammate!

Poking her XO in the chest, and marveling at the air cushion capabilities, Shepard growled, "For your information Ms. Lawson, I did not go after a Mr. Mordion Solus! I actually went to Afterlife and found me a ninja!"

It was at that time that all three occupants took a good look at the tall and imposing figure behind Shepard, who was giving Miranda a glare promising a lot of pain before a very quick, if not already assured death.

Wrapping her arm around Scorpion's neck, and falling to bring him down to her own level of height despite her slight pulling, Shepard bubbled out happily, "This here is Scorpion! He's an undead ninja who decided to help us out on our mission."

Pausing for a small breath, Shepard added airly, "And yes, I'm drunk, but I can assure you that my decision was made 100% without the influence of alcohol. Okay maybe 90%, though was that before or after the tequila shots…?"

Taking a look at the group's reactions, which only shifted to Miranda and Jacob, both were looking between her and the Shirai Ryu ghoul with equal amounts of trepidation and confusion, before looking at her as if she grew a second head.

Joker, after he took one look at Scorpion turned his gaze back to Shepard, a slightly incredulously expression on his face.

"Okay, seriously Commander? Do you get all these guys at the same store or what?"

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><p><strong>-/Author Note/-/**

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><p><strong>End of the first chapter, and we have a meeting between Scorpion and Commander Shepard. I won't really use descriptive words to describe Shepard for the fact that everyone has their own version of a FemShep in their heads, either by their own design or otherwise, so don't expect information about Shepard's physical appearance aside from the scars from the cybernetics from the Cerberus reconstruction and the fact that she's short in comparison to Scorpion. Anyway, I hope I did decently enough on this first chapter. Scorpion is my favorite character in Mortal Kombat, and I found it difficult trying to write him and Shepard interacting, though I feel I did a good job, all things considered.<strong>

**Regardless, hit the review button below and tell me what you think. Criticism is welcomed, so long as it's helpful.**

**CursedAndTorn, over and out.**


	2. Omake!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mortal Kombat or Mass Effect or its characters. They are the property of Nether Realm Studios and BioWare respectively.**

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><p>Omake Chapter: The Conqueror of Realms, Shao Kahn<p>

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><p><strong><em>Location: Terminus SystemOmega_**

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><p>Commander Shepard rubbed her eyes tiredly as she filed away another report. She checked the holographic screen beside her, and groaned at the time displayed, Earth Standard.<p>

_'1:53 in the unforgiving morning. What's the point of having Miranda, or even Kelly really, around if I'm still doing f***ing paperwork this early into the morning?'_

It had been a few months since her miraculous recovery in what had once been known as the Lazuras Station, and her undertaking of her continued mission and undeclared war against the Reapers under the banner of the pro-human terrorist group, Cerberus, a fact that she was not at all pleased with.

She also found herself unsurprised to the fact that in the two short years following her death, the Council had undermined most of her work. The Reaper known as Sovereign, which had lead the charge into the Citadel with an armada of geth ships, had been declared nothing more as an impressive piece of geth technology. Saren had been put down as the leader of the entire invasion, in addition for concurring the geth into believing Sovereign was Reaper. Which really didn't make any sense, considering the fact that if the geth created Sovereign, then how the hell could Saren convince them that a piece of their own technology was a fifty thousand year old sentient war machine?

Stupid motherf***ing Council and their backward ass thinking…

Staring furiously at the datapad, and willing the damn thing to fill itself out, Shepard gave a frustrated groan, running her fingers through her hair tiredly before slamming her hands on her desk and rising from her seat.

"F*** it. I'm going to bed. Miranda can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it."

Set with her decision, Shepard didn't bother to remove her Cerberus issued uniform, of which she had burnt many as initially; she had refused to wear anything with their insignia. But she ended up finding a new and freshly cleaned one in her closet every morning, and after the first month of undoubtedly running up the Illusive Man's bill (of which she was very pleased with herself over. She deserved a gold star and a smiley face for that, as Joker would probably put it), she had simply given in. It wasn't as if she had much of a choice in wardrobe anyway…

Sinking into her oh so pleasantly soft mattress, Shepard was only seconds away from sleep when her omni-tool gave a loud 'beep', indicating she was getting a live transmission.

"Uh, Commander? Incoming message from the Illusive Man."

Groaning into her pillow and cursing the bastard with the expensive suit and very deep pockets to hell and back, Shepard rolled off her bed and onto the floor, her sheets tangling themselves around her before simply laying there staring at the ceiling before responding with, "I'll be there in a couple of minutes Joker."

"…right, got ya. By the way, that position does not look comfortable at all Commander. Just looking at you right now is making my bones ache in protest."

"Stuff it Joker before I decide to have EDI cut your access to the security feeds. Including the one in the women's shower that you think I don't know about."

"…you know about that one? And more surprisingly, you haven't cut me off yet?"

Shepard shrugged her shoulders in response before standing up, throwing her sheets off of her before making her way to the elevator.

"What can I say? I spoil you. Besides, I have my own shower that doesn't have a feed in it, so it's not like it's my bits you're ogling."

Entering the elevator and hitting the button leading to the second floor, Shepard smiled slightly as Joker broke out over the intercom, "Did I mention how much I love you Commander?"

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><p>Shepard blinked at the image before her.<p>

It was not of an old sixty year old man with glowing prostatic eyes, sitting down in a chair with a dying star silhouetting his form, a cigarette in hand and lit, just waiting to be used.

Instead there stood a large man; heavily muscled and barely dressed, standing over the Illusive Man's broken form, a single armored boot planted on the man's back. Only the slight movement of his chest told her that he was still alive, if barely.

She took another look at the man, and gave a brief estimation of being at least seven feet tall, if not taller. His face was obscured by a skull like helmet that reached down to his mouth, and he wore only a pair of shoulder guards attached to a belt on his chest, and what looked like some sort of sash on his waist with scale like armor padding underneath, stopping at his thighs. In his hands was a hammer of sorts, and a rather large one at that, which seemed to be glowing green in color.

She looked back up at his face once more, and noticed his intense orange eyes drilling directly into her own.

Stepping off of the Illusive Man and walking towards her, Shepard almost took an involuntary step back, but held her ground. She had faced worse things than this guy, and it wasn't like the man could actually hurt her anyway, so there was no reason to fear him.

Though that didn't make him any less intimidating when she found that her maximum height leveled with abdomen. Damn her short stature…

His chest rumbled as he spoke, his voice sending a shiver down her spine as he addressed her.

**"Bow before your Emperor! The great and powerful Shao Kahn, ruler of Outworld, and conqueror of worlds!"**

Reassuring herself that this man, whom she assumed was called Shao Kahn, as ridiculous as the name was, couldn't get to her, and that he was only in holographic form (because damn was he intimidating) Shepard took a stance of nonchalance at his title and demand, crossing her arms and cocking her hips to the side, and gave him a challenging eyebrow.

"Sorry, never heard of you before. Nice Halloween costume by the way."

The man seemed momentarily surprised by her response, which quickly morphed to anger as he slammed his hammer down onto the ground at her feet, creating a deep impact and crater in its wake.

**"Foolish mortal! You dare mock me? I, who has destroyed countless worlds? Who has caused the very deities that claim superiority over these realms to cower at my mere presence?"**

Shepard took a step back at the man's enraged yell, as well as at his rather huge claim. She wasn't much of the religious sort, and had never really considered the existence of a god, especially when faced with Sovereign those years ago on Virmire, but for this guy to claim that not only had he destroyed countless planets, but had caused not one, but several gods to fear him? Somebody had a bit of an ego…

Extending her pinky into her ear and clearing it out, Shepard gave Shao Kahn another look before she shrugged her shoulders slightly in response.

"Call it mockery if you want, but I honestly have no idea who you are."

Forestalling any response the man may have had, Shepard continued, leveling her posture to an aggressive one as she leveled a glare at Shao Kahn.

"And I'm surprised you don't know who I am. You go through the process of calling me, and you don't even know what my name is?"

Standing rigidly straight, and putting on her intimidating face on, (which Joker had said more than once made her both attractive and scary, though she was sure he was joking about the first bit) and started her introduction, much the same way she had confronted Sovereign back on Virmire.

"I'm Commander Shepard, the commanding officer of the SSV Normandy SR-2. The heroine of Elyusim and the first human Council Spectre, in addition to being not only the savior of the Citadel, but also a _killer_ of gods."

Okay maybe that last bit was a kind of an exaggeration, but hey, the Reapers pretty much paraded themselves as much, and it did take her defeating Sovereign while it was possessing Saren's corpse before the combined efforts of the turian and human fleet could take it down, so it wasn't like she was lying. Omitting a few details here and there sure, but lying…

Shao Kahn didn't look remotely fazed by her declaration, not that she particularly cared either way. At this point it was simply a pissing contest, and she was damned if this seven foot tall walking Halloween disaster was going to get the best over her. Bad enough she had to contend with Joker and a day to day basis, where the man not only excelled in this field, but wrote the damn book on the subject, but she drew the line on costume wearing, giant mallet carrying weirdoes who got a sense of pride out of kicking the crap out of old egotistical men.

Speaking of…

Gesturing to TIM laying underneath goliath's foot, Shepard asked, "And how did you beat him exactly? For starters, how did you even get there? And where is there anyway?"

Shepard wouldn't admit that she didn't like the idea of the Illusive Man being able to pinpoint the exact location she was currently at with a simple snap of his finger, or at least by a backward trace on the two-way communication device he had installed onto the Normandy. And she wouldn't admit that she wanted to know the Illusive Man's exact location so she could pay him a visit after this whole situation with the Collectors was over and done with…

**"This mortal stood against me, and dared to challenge my authority. I tolerate no resistance against my rule, and thus showed him the true might of my strength, and why I am Outworld's greatest emperor."**

Translation; TIM didn't like the new kid on the playground and tried to play bully. Obviously his attempt at keeping his title as big boy in the sandbox didn't end well.

Well…as long as she got a piece of him, she really didn't care.

"Okay."

Shao Kahn didn't seem to register that she had spoken, and instead repeated his earlier demand. **"This is your one and only warning mortal. Bow before me, submit to my rule, or be destroyed by my wrath."**

Giving her an appraising look, Shao Kahn continued.

**"Pledge your allegiance to me now, and I may consider adding you as one of my bed warmers."**

Oh…

He did NOT just say that…

With her eyes darkening to blood red, her cybernetics coming into play, Shepard growled out lowly, "EDI?"

Appearing at the far corner of the room, EDI appeared in all of her holographic glory, before answering Shepard's request for her presence with a subdued, "Yes?"

"Trace this call and tell Joker to plot a course. I have an f***ing ass**** to kill."

"Cerberus protocols state-"

"EDI…if I don't have a course set in the next hour towards this bastard, I will find a way to transfer you out of the AI core, into a LOKI mech, pimp you out as a sexbot, and then have Grunt use you as a live Sex ED demonstration doll when it's time for the "talk".

"…Mr. Moreau states an ETA of three hours before we reach the Hourglass Nebula."

Giving the holographic hovering death star a sweet smile, Shepard chirped, "Thank you EDI, that'll be all."

Not bothering with a response, the sophisticated AI program quickly blinked out.

Turning her gaze back to Shao Kahn, Shepard continued with her sickly sweet smile before she stated with an affliction of happiness, "Congratulations Shao Kahn. You made number one on my shit list. Just for a bit of fair warning, when I get my hands on you…"

Shepard's eyes narrowed, her scars and eyes glowing completely red as she snarled, "I'm going to f***ing tear your balls off, shove 'em down your throat, and take that giant hammer of yours, and RAM IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR F***ING ASS!"

Cutting the transmission short, and savoring the look of surprise and slight apprehension on the skull wearing freak's face, Shepard began walking out of the room, and remembering EDI's lack of "logging you out", silently pondered if AI's could feel fear before brushing the notion aside and began plotting the various and painful ways she was going to kill that dirty f***ing pervert with the skull mask and compensation tool…

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><p><strong>-/Author Note\-\\**

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><p><strong>End of this little Omake. Had this written out since my first chapter, but didn't want to post it just yet. The other chapters are slow going however, and I decided, "what the hell?" This was a bit easy to write though, even if it wasn't terribly long. I don't know, should I make a follow up piece to this, or not?<strong>

**Oh, and review, Please and Thank You.**

**CursedAndTorn**

**;P**


	3. Omake! Take 2!

**Omake: Emperor of Outworld, Shao Kahn, Part II**

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><p>It had taken the estimated three hours to reach the Hourglass Nebula, and in those few precious hours, Shepard had come up with at least over a dozen possible ways to kill that miserable bastard with the skull helmet.<p>

EDI had been surprisingly quiet the entire trip, and when Shepard had gone to the cockpit as they hit the relay, she found the reason as to why. Joker had somehow managed to find himself a deep purple shaded overcoat with a fur collar, a hideously matching fedora with a single brightly colored feather perched on the interlining, and a cane with the letters J-MAN made from encrusted diamonds on the hilt. Perched on his nose was a ridiculous overly large pair of 21st century sunglasses, and right beside him was a…female robot?

Shepard blinked once. Then twice. Then three times just to err on the side of caution. Yep, definitely a female robot. Bright and luminous silver, it was obviously female due to the slender figure and appropriate…assets, its hair somehow wavy and reaching down to her chin, and dressed in an expensively styled red dress, which was slightly more revealing than her own black dress that Kasumi had bought for her during her little heist.

"Joker…?"

Turning his head up towards her, Joker moved his seat around to face her, legs crossed and cane settled neatly across his lap.

"You can call me the J-Man. Or Big Daddy. I'm impartially to either."

Rubbing the bridge of her nose and unsure of whether she wanted to laugh or cry at the monster she had inadvertently created, Shepard stated more then asked, "This is about my threat to EDI earlier, isn't it?"

Pulling a cigar from the confines of his coat, Joker placed it between his teeth will rummaging around his pockets, pulling out a two hundred year old lighter before lighting his newest vice up and taking a deep breath.

"Indeed. And it's Big Daddy. I changed my mind about being impartially. Emphasis on the Big by the way. I prefer Daddy to be whispered. Or moaned. Definitely moaned."

She gave him a flat look in response. "I'm very tempted to shoot you right now."

"So am I, though my gun doesn't have a holster."

Making a mental note to remember that one and fighting down the blush and smile that wanted to break free across her lips, Shepard hissed out in a warning tone, "Joker…"

Raising his hands up in surrender, Joker replied with, "Alright, I know when I'm in danger of being tossed out of the nearest airlock."

"Uh huh. Mind explaining the…_thing_ you have standing here? And for that matter, where the hell did you get?"

"In order, its EDI's new body. The LOKI while slim isn't very feminine, or really appealing. I asked Mordin to make it, and he busted this out in less than a minute. Apparently he tinkered with the idea of human-machine interface literally."

Shepard was honestly floundered by the answers.

Stepping up to the machine and poking its cheek, feeling the cooled metal, she asked, "So in other words…?"

A lecherous grin in place, Joker reveled slightly as he said, "It can do everything a human woman can do. And I do mean _everything_ Commander."

"…I don't know who the bigger creep here is. You for wanting this in the first place, or Mordin for actually building this thing, and without any prompting on your part either."

"I'd go with Mordin on that one. It's not like I'm actually going to do the deed as it were. Thing probably weighs more than a Krogan, and I don't plan on breaking my bones down to fine powder over a little hanky panky."

He paused briefly before adding slyly, "Besides, there are other things that fembot over there could do that doesn't require any bone breaking whatsoever."

Shepard with a dark flush on her face (because dammit she hadn't gotten her plumbing done since the flight to Ilos with Liara), really had to convince herself that Joker was worth keeping around.

_'He's the best helmsmen in the Alliance. He's the best helmsmen in the Alliance. He's the best helmsmen in the Alliance…'_

"You okay Commander? Looks like your thinking really hard about something. Heh, hard…"

Shepard's eyebrows twitched.

"I'm trying to remind myself why I keep you around and why tossing your ass out into FTL is a bad thing."

"Oh. Alright then."

"Not afraid I'll threw you off the ship?"

"Nah. I mean, who would swoop in and pull your ass out a burning volcano or drop you in twenty meter drop zone within a vehicle that required a minimum fifty? Or join a known terrorist organization on the slight, very slight chance I may add, that you would be brought back to life?"

"You're very perceptive for a smartass pilot, you know that?"

"I'm a perceptive smartass pilot with hollow bones who until literally a few months ago needed the added assistance of both leg braces _and _crutches in order to walk. Makes my ability to get laid kind of, you know, zip. Thus fembot. Plus, it'll put that big yap of EDI's to some actual use. And I'll admit it, Thing kind of sounds like Tricia Helfer."

"Who?"

Joker gave her a cockeyed expression.

"Tricia Helfer? Number Six? Battlestar Galactica?"

Shepard still had a blank look on her face.

"Is this seriously not ringing a bell?"

"Nope not a one."

"…I don't even know you Commander."

Shrugging her shoulders at Joker's apparent dramatic exaggeration of his love of sci-fi classics, and expectation that she shared the same passion, Shepard looked into the flashing lights of FTL travel, again her mind traveling to the brutish thug that was going to feel the power of female fury. An image of her standing atop of his broken and bruised body, hammer in hand and slung across her shoulders came to mind, holding up his blood matted helmet for the world to see, a grin of triumph spread across her lips.

It easily topped the image of standing over a dead and decrypted Reaper, the Council, the turian one in particular, on their hands and knees begging forgiveness for their general stupidity and unworthy existences.

Joker felt a bead of sweat work down his brow as he watched his Commander cackling like a madwoman, a flash of lightning crackling behind her completing the 'evil' image she was portraying.

He silently tried to remind himself that his Commander's insanity was just part of her charm.

…

Yeah, definitely wasn't working out like he had hoped…

After another minute of evil laughter, Shepard regained her composure before giving him a hard look.

"Shouldn't you be facing the front of the ship Joker? As good of a pilot as you are, I highly doubt you can successfully pilot the Normandy your back faced away from the controls."

Joker grinned in response.

"I'm a leaf in the wind Commander, watch how I soar."

"Is that another Battlestar whatamawhoseits quote?"

"We are soooo going to get caught up with the entire si-fi classics commander."

She shrugged her shoulders in response. It wasn't like she had anything else to do besides damn paperwork anyway…

Remembering the fembot in the room, Shepard pointed her finger at it before saying in a tone of voice that broke no argument, "Alright, but that…thing, has to go."

Joker actually pouted.

"Does it have too? I promise to take really good care of it. Good god will I take care of it…"

Fighting the blush that wanted to form on her face at Joker's leering at the female shaped robot, Shepard stood firm in her decision as she said, "Remember that bit I talked to you about earlier? You know, sabotage? Breaking the boss' toys? This counts."

"You ruin my fun Commander."

"I'm indulging your voyeurism, remember?"

"Which I am mightily appreciative of that let me tell you, but looking can only go so far Commander."

"Then bother Kelly. She loves every damn thing on this ship. I'm sure if you go on a little spiel on how miserable your life was as a child that she'll gladly do the deed."

Joker shuddered at the mere mention of the ship's yeoman.

"Ah, no thanks. Rumor has it that she isn't exactly you know, clean. That varren infection? It's believed to have been brought aboard by her. Oh, and she has a massive hard on for you so that kind of factors into that. And to make my dislike of her as a viable partner in the…intimate portion of my life, I'd rather do it with Jack, and god knows what she's got during her rather colorful life."

He paused briefly before he added, "Now Miranda on the other hand…well, airbags, both on the rear and front ends. Plus she's certified perfection. Seriously, she probably has some sort of piece of paper that says pedigree or something. That's all I'm saying on that though. In fear of the fact that she may be listening in and all that you understand."

Shaking her head at her slightly eccentric, perverted and erratic pilot, Shepard snapped her gaze back the windows of the Normandy as the lights of FTL disappeared in a bright flash of light, revealing a giant dying star and space station, easily the size of an entire city hanging desolately in front of it.

Facial expression hardening, Shepard watched as the station moved closer to view, Joker mysteriously losing his new outfit and returning to his Cerberus issue uniform, cap and all, fingers flying across the dashboard and holographic displays of the Normandy's controls.

"Call the ground team up to the comm. room Joker. And EDI, I need all details and blueprints of this base. My earlier threat still stands. If that won't convince you, then I'll have Joker make you his own personal lovebot, clear?"

EDI appeared on her left before responding with a subdued, "Yes Commander" before blinking out once more.

Giving a nod to Joker had his slightly hopeful expression; Shepard turned on her heel and walked towards the CIC before calling out over her shoulder, "Like I said earlier, I spoil you."

She was barely one foot off the bridge when she heard Joker shout out throughout the ship's intercom, "I'm Jeff Moreau, and this is my favorite Commander in the whole damn galaxy!"

She smiled all the way to the comm. room.

* * *

><p><strong>-/Author Note-\\**

**TheCursedAndTorn here, and the people have spoken! Or reviewed as it were. You all decided that you wanted to see a second part to my previous Omake, and I was happy to oblige you. There is going to be another part, which will end this Omake series with Shao Kahn. I'll probably post others featuring other iconic characters, but probably not for awhile. Anyway, read, enjoy, and hit the little button on the bottom that says review. Criticism is of course welcomed as always.**


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